I'm pretty sure I used the word "darling" thirteen times at this wedding. In fact, I know I did because my sister was annoyed that it was my "wedding word." I stand by it, though; it was fucking darling. Mazel tov, y'all. Best wishes.
Now that my inner circle of friends have started to cohabitate with their significant others, get married and even have children, I'm starting to think there's something to this whole commitment thing. The minister said Saturday that the life one leads as an unmarried person is over when one is married and one is then part of something greater than oneself (he said this to the betrothed, not to me over a glass of pinot gris). I've heard that before but it hasn't been something I've really thought of seriously until recently, for my life, anyway. Once I dated someone with a child and I didn't agree with the selfish ways in which he continued to live his life despite the fact he had a child to care for. I always felt guilty for judging because I couldn't fathom having offspring of my own, but I felt--and still feel--very strongly that one must put one's child first once that being exists. One of the many reasons why I've yet to truly consider childbearing: I am incredibly selfish. I have never been ready to put someone else before myself. I've put my career before personal relationships for years; that is comfortable to me. I cringe using that word, mostly because in acting school "comfortable" is stricken from your vocabulary, but I am comfortable being alone and having satellites orbiting my solitary, little planet. I can always see them, if I take a trip in a rocket ship I can visit them, but at the end of the day it is just my little self-sustaining planet. That sounds sad and egomaniacal.
Anyway, that was how I was. I've recently felt like I could actually be part of something greater than myself, make a commitment to something besides my career aspirations. In a way that is part of what this summer is about: reconnecting with something more humanizing than city lights, getting back to the pure joy of acting and actually spending time in sunshine. Life has been too shade for too long. I'm suffering from growing pains, yes, and compromise isn't something someone would say I'm awesome at, but I'm trying. I'm swallowing the moments of people driving like morons or taking too long to order coffee and thinking, "yes, I asked for time to slow down and I got it. For better or for worse, in sickness and in health...until September."
I mean, isn't this just darling?